More Than Ever: The Home Series, Book One Read online

  I heat up some lunch, eat a little, and make my way out the door. On autopilot, my feet take me to the park. This place gives me such a feeling of peace and contentment. My life was so much simpler when I was younger. Miller and I spent countless hours here, talking about everything under the sun. Sadness takes over me at the very thought. I miss my friend. I haven’t even seen him or talked to him since Bennett and I ran into him and his “friend” before the beach. I want him back. Not this new Miller, but my Miller. I guess instead I’ll have to hang onto the memories I have of him.

  Sitting here feels good. I sit under our tree by the lake for quite a while, if the movement of shadows across the water are any indication. I’m starting to drift off when I hear a voice.

  “Got room for me, Goose?”

  I look up a familiar face. God, he looks awful. Miller’s usual pale skin is pasty and gray. He’s got huge, dark circles under his eyes, which are quite bloodshot. He hasn’t shaved in a while. His dark hair is in desperate need of a haircut. I pat the ground next to me and scoot over an inch, giving him a silent invitation.

  “How did you know I was here?”

  “Process of elimination.”

  We sit in awkward silence, neither of us really knowing what to say to the other. It’s terrible. Things should not be this way between us. They have never been like this before.

  “Why were you looking for me?” I ask.

  “I got one hell of an ass-chewin’ from Maggie this morning. Woke me up and laid into me.” His eyes are getting redder. “God, Goose, I’m so sorry this is happening to you.”

  I wrap my hand in his and rest my head on his shoulder, taking comfort in my old friend, despite the smell of cigarettes and liquor wafting up from him. I don’t say anything in return. I have nothing to say. We sit for a while, and he starts talking again.

  “I can’t believe what I’ve done to us. I let myself get out of control. I’m done, Lucy. My priority right now is you. Let me help you with this.”

  “Miller, you crushed me,” I whisper.

  “I’m sorry I did that to you. I don’t do jealousy well. You’ve always been mine. I can’t stomach seeing you with him. I see red every time I have to watch the two of you together. ”

  “He’s not going anywhere,” I tell him.

  “I know, baby. Helping you get better is bigger than my petty jealousy. I’ll deal with it. I’ll make it work. I promise.”

  “You better, Miller. I miss you,” I tell him, squeezing his hand. “But y’all can’t keep doing that, putting me in the middle. I’m not choosing.”

  I have my friend back. I smile for the first time in a while. We sit, soaking up the last of the daylight, and just relish being together again. It feels good.

  ***

  I sleep at my apartment for the first time in weeks. Bennett is on call and I don’t want to be alone. He’s not thrilled about me mending things with Miller. He doesn’t trust him, but he knows this relationship is what I need. I eat dinner with Bennett, and he takes me back to the apartment. We walk in, and Miller is waiting for me. He already looks better since we parted ways earlier.

  “Hey, Goose,” he greets me. “Hungry?”

  “Umm, no, I already ate.”

  He and Bennett are just looking at each other, neither one making attempts to talk to the other. I tell Bennett I’m going put my stuff in my room, and that I’ll be right back. I stay in my room for a minute before coming back. When I come out, I hear Bennett’s voice, so I stop to listen.

  “…can’t be doing that shit around her. She was gutted, man.”

  “I’m done. No more drinking, no more women. She’s my priority.”

  “I understand that, but you need to respect what she and I have. Keep your hands off of her. She’s not yours anymore.”

  “She will always be mine. She’s my best friend. You need to respect that she was mine first,” Miller tells Bennett, his voice getting louder.

  Oh, shit.

  “I get that the two of you are friends. FRIENDS, Miller. That is it. That’s all it can ever be. She’s made her choice. She’s mine. You don’t get to touch her anymore.”

  OK. Time to come out. This is about to get ugly. I walk right up to Bennett and wrap myself around his waist, giving him a squeeze, my silent plea for him to put a stop to this.

  “I need to get back to work. Are you sure you’re gonna be alright here?” he asks.

  His jaw is clenching tight.

  “Of course. Come on, I’ll walk you out.”

  I grab Bennett’s hand and drag him out the door. He’s still staring at Miller, who’s not moving.

  We get outside, and I give him a look.

  “What was that for?” I ask.

  He knows exactly what I’m talking about.

  “I just want to make sure Miller understands that he can’t try to pull any of his shit with you. He doesn’t need to bring any of his whores here, and he sure as fuck better not touch you.”

  “He’s not. And you need to trust that I wouldn’t let things happen with Miller. That’s done, Bennett.”

  “I know, Luce. Now kiss me goodbye.”

  I try to be the one in control, but, like everything, he grabs the reins and takes over. I don’t mind one bit.

  ***

  The days are flying by, getting away from me faster than I could have ever imagined. I want time to slow to a crawl, but it’s running away from me. The six week mark is getting closer and closer. I try not to think about what is going on with my body and whether or not all the changes Dr. Amador made are working. I don’t want to know until I’m forced to make a decision.

  A few weeks after my daily dialysis started, I had to drop out of school. The semester was almost over, but I couldn’t keep up. I was having trouble before, but with dialysis five days a week, I was missing too much class. I took a medical leave of absence. Hopefully, I can return next year. But, even without school, I’m busy. I spend a lot of time at my parent’s house with Ava. I’m helping Mom with her schooling. Mom’s a teacher, but she’s really busy trying to fast-track this adoption. So I help Ava with her work and watch her when Mom is at her appointments or with her new side job. She’s tutoring some of her former students to supplement her and dad’s income. He’s working like crazy, picking up extra shifts at the station and doing security for some of the businesses around town. I don’t like it, but they are doing it for Ava, and I can respect that. These attorney bills are killing them. My parents are doing an amazing job with this little girl. There is no question that they will be granted adoption rights. The process is just grueling and time consuming. They should be Ava’s parents in the very near future. That little thought is giving everyone something positive and thrilling to focus on.

  I worry about Maggie, though. She’s running ragged, working like crazy, tired all the time. She’s not herself lately. She’s still hung up on this Finn guy. I try to convince her that working with him and having to see him every day is not good for her, but she doesn’t want to hear it. Miller even gets her a job at the bar where he works, but she turns it down. She’s a glutton for punishment. I have never seen her get worked up over a boy like this. It’s probably that, plus the added stress over the possibility of being hacked open and having a vital organ removed. Who knows?

  Bennett and I are going strong. He’s pushing me to move in with him, but I keep putting him off. Like everything else in life right now, things are on that six week countdown. I just think it’s too soon. Plus, everything is too uncertain right now. I can’t make decisions about my future if I don’t know if I have one. I don’t voice my concerns to him. He doesn’t like my negativity about my situation.

  Miller is back to Miller. He seems to have gotten control over his life again. The drinking has stopped and he’s home more. If he knows I’ll be at the apartment instead of at Bennett’s house, he makes sure to be there with me. We spend our nights eating his delicious cooking and watching mindless reality television. Our conversa
tions are light. We do a lot of reminiscing about our younger days, but he steers clear of any talk of our past relationship. I’m not sure if this is because it’s too hard for him to remember what we once had, or if it’s out of respect for Bennett, but I don’t question it. I just enjoy our time together.

  ***

  Bennett and I are wrapped up in each other, arms and legs a cozy, tangled heap. It’s early, but I want to be nestled in his bed, shut off from the world. My six weeks are up. They drew labs this morning when I went in for my dialysis. Tomorrow, after my treatment, I will go to the hospital and hear my fate.

  I’m scared shitless.

  My family doesn’t know this is happening.

  For once, I don’t want them there with me. I keep replaying the scene I had six weeks ago in my mind. If they are there, Ava will be there. She doesn’t need to see that. Bennett is coming, but that’s it. Anything that is said, he can relay to them later. I will also medicate myself with a heaping dose of Xanax before I walk into that office. One can’t be too prepared, right?

  “Talk to me, Luce,” Bennett says, pulling me out of my thoughts.

  “I don’t want to talk,” I tell him. “I’m too fucking scared to talk. I just want to stay in this bed with you forever. Can we do that?”

  “I wish, sweet girl. Tell me what I can do to make this better for you.”

  “Just keep doing what you’re doing.”

  I don’t sleep. I lay and stare at the ceiling. Every once in a while, I let me eyes drift over to Bennett. I don’t know how I got so lucky. He’s everything to me.

  My eyes roam over his tan, muscled chest. My mouth decides it wants to follow. I’m placing lax kisses on him when I feel a hand coming to the back of my head, gently stroking it.

  “Luce, why aren’t you sleeping?” he asks, his voice gravelly and deep. “You need to rest.”

  “I can’t. I don’t want to. If I stay up, morning won’t come so soon.”

  “Come here,” he says, pulling my body on top of his, putting us face to face. “You’ll be alright. The two of us will deal with whatever we hear tomorrow. We have another plan, remember? Maggie can help you.”

  My breathing is starting to get erratic. I start to push away from him. I don’t want to talk about this.

  “Lucy, look at me,” he demands, in a harsher tone than before.

  I pull my eyes to his. They don’t match his voice. They are soft and full of love.

  “We can do this, sweet girl. I can help you. With anything you need. I love you. Let me show you how much.”

  Bennett rolls us over, changing our positions. His weight feels good on my body. He’s trying to convey his words in his kiss. I can feel them. He means it. I know that he loves me and that he would do anything for me. At my urging, his kisses go from sweet to savage in an instant. We are clawing at each other, trying to get each other’s clothes off. Our mouths can’t stay connected in the frenzy. Finally, our clothes are off. There is nothing between us. He grabs a condom off the nightstand, rolls it on quickly, and slams into me. I want his mouth on mine, but we can’t even manage to kiss because he is pummeling into me so hard. We are just panting in each other’s mouths. There is nothing gentle about this. I don’t want gentle. I’m pulling at him, marking up his back, squeezing his waist with my legs, digging my heels into his ass as he moves inside of me. I want him to be rough with me. It makes me feel alive. I can detach my mind from the shit happening to me. I pull at him harder, push my nails into his back a little deeper, urging him on.

  “Luce, fuck, I don’t want to hurt you.”

  “You won’t. I need you like this, please,” I tell him, barely able to get the words out.

  He’s pushing into me harder and faster. Neither of us can last at this rough, fast pace. We both come with a prolonged groan, and he collapses on me. Our bodies are sweaty and sore, but in the best way possible. Exhaustion finally takes over, and my brain starts to shut down. I can already feel sleep coming.

  “Let me go take care of this,” he says, rolling off the bed.

  He presses a few kisses to my temple, my forehead, then my lips.

  On a whisper, he adds, “I love you, Lucy. You’re my home. My entire world.”

  When I wake up a few short hours later, I realize I never said it back.

  I should have said it back.

  Chapter Twenty

  You would think I would be freaking out right now, but I’m sitting calmly, listening to my doctor and my boyfriend discussing the fact that my kidney is barely functioning. I am not screaming and throwing things as they discuss timelines for transplanting my sister’s kidney into my body. Dr. Amador is on the phone, calling nurses on the sixth floor to check surgery schedules. I think I am having an out of body experience. Either that, or I have overdosed on the Xanax I popped before walking over here from the clinic. I can hear everything they are saying. I’m absorbing every single word.

  I just don’t give a fuck.

  It’s like they are talking about someone else.

  Not me.

  Surely they are talking about someone else.

  A different Lucy.

  Bennett is staring at me, a cautious look on his face. He’s bracing for me to start my rampage. I hate to disappoint him, but it’s just not happening today. I can’t give them any sort of reaction. I’m pretty much catatonic.

  “Lucy, we need to call Maggie and get her up here. We need to move on this as soon as we can.”

  I just nod my head.

  “Do you want me to call her?”

  Again, I can just nod.

  “Do you want me to call your parents?”

  “No.”

  I hear Bennett calling Maggie. She sounds frantic on the phone, asking how I’m taking the news. Bennett keeps reassuring her that I’m fine.

  Bennett and Dr. Amador resume their conversation, and a few minutes later a nurse walks Maggie and Miller into the office. I am practically knocked out of my chair by my baby sister as she squeezes the air from my lungs. Her face is red and swollen. It’s quite apparent that she’s been crying since she got the call from Bennett.

  “Goose, God. I don’t know what to say to you,” but she keeps on going, actually knowing just what to say. “Don’t worry, sis. I got this. My kidneys are fucking amazing!” she says, adding a fist pump to the air for dramatic effect.

  Jesus, my sister is bizarre.

  Miller stands by the door. He doesn’t talk or come to me. Maybe he’s medicated, too. I look at him after Maggie’s absurd declaration, and he just shakes his head. I smile weakly at him.

  “Doc, Maggie’s kidney won’t infuse her personality traits into Lucy, will it?” he asks, earning a laugh from everyone, except Maggie.

  And, on that note, Maggie is whisked off to the lab for bloodwork.

  Miller goes with Maggie, and Bennett and I leave to go back to his house. I text Maggie and ask her not to tell Mom and Daddy anything yet. I don’t want to say anything to them until we have more concrete plans and a surgery date. She agrees and is letting me handle this my way.

  Bennett, however, is concerned at my lack of reaction to the situation.

  “Lucy, you haven’t said a word, and I’m I little worried. What’s going on in that head of yours?”

  “Nothing. I don’t know what to think. I must be in shock,” I tell him. I honestly don’t know what to think or how I feel about what’s going on.

  “This is not terrible. I know this was not your plan, but dialysis is not a fix. You knew that all along. Maggie will be fine with one kidney. You will be healthy and your body will be fixed. No more treatment after the transplant. This is a good thing for you.”

  “I know, I just don’t want to do this to her. What if she needs both kidneys later down the road? What if she gets PKD?”

  “They are running tests for that. That’s why the results are taking a little longer. Maggie signed consent forms for genetic testing. They are making sure her kidneys are fucking amazing, ju
st like she claims,” he says with a smirk.

  We walk aimlessly around Bennett’s neighborhood for a while, talking about any topics not related to kidneys or transplants. I feel better when we finish. The fresh air has cleared my head and put a new perspective on things. Maggie and I will be fine. People do this all the time. The surgery will be a little harder on Maggie’s body than mine, but she’s tough. She can do this. I’ve been through it before and I’m a bigger pansy than her.

  When we round the street corner, I see Maggie’s car in Bennett’s driveway. She can’t know anything yet. It’s too soon.

  “How long do the tests take, Bennett? What is she doing here?” I feel a lead weight settle in my stomach. Why is she here?

  “The initial labs are quick. Those only take a few hours. The genetic testing for the PKD markers takes longer. She probably just wants to spend some time with you. I’m sure it’s nothing.”

  With the hand that’s holding mine, he rubs his thumb back and forth over my wrist, a silent reassurance to match his words. It’s not working. Maggie never comes over here. My anxiety is rising higher the closer we get to the driveway.

  When we walk up to her car, I can see that she’s definitely here for a reason. Maggie’s face is still puffy and red, like she hasn’t stopped crying from earlier. I quickly run through her daily schedule in my head. Did she work this afternoon? Is it that asshole Finn? I will kill him if he hurt her. She pushes off her car when she sees us and walks to the front door, not saying a word. Bennett lets us in, kisses us both on the cheek, and heads back to the bedroom. He can tell this is a conversation we need to have alone. She’s just sitting on the couch, staring at her feet. Clearly, I’m gonna have to start the conversation.