Breathe Her In Read online

  “Tell me what you saw.” His voice is more of a rumble going through my body than a voice passing through my ears.

  “Whenever I imagined our baby, I could only conjure up a picture of you… kind of like Della. She looks just like you. I wanted a beautiful baby that looked exactly like you.”

  He puts out his cigarette and immediately goes for another. “What did you want?”

  “It didn’t matter. I would have been fine either way. If it was a boy, I wanted to name him after you. If it was a girl, I wanted to name her after Gigi and Claire. Rafe Mitchell Matthews or Giana Claire Matthews.”

  “That’s perfect,” he whispers into the top of my head.

  “I thought so.”

  “I see you with your kids at school, Eleanor. You would’ve been a great mom to our child.”

  My throat is too tight to answer, so I snuggle further into him. When the lump gets smaller, I tell him what I think he already knows, but still needs to hear. “You’re a terrific dad. Della’s a lucky little girl to have you.”

  I get a small smile and a kiss on the forehead. “You ready?”

  “I’m ready,” I tell him, and let him lead me back inside.

  Hours later, I stand from the chair and walk to the wall mirror. I gasp when I look at my lower stomach. My scars are virtually invisible, hidden by a field of colorful wildflowers. He gave me something to mask the nasty marks that have marred my body for the last eight years. I’ll never have to see those hideous scars again.

  All I’ll see is Rafe.

  “Look right here,” he says from over my shoulder, moving his arm around my waist and pointing right in the center of the cluster. In an elegant script, hidden among the vibrant blooms, are the names Rafe Mitchell and Giana Claire.

  “Thank you,” I whisper. “This means everything, Rafe.” My eyes are rimmed in red, matching his, but we both have huge smiles on our faces.

  “Let’s get this cleaned and covered, and then we’ll go pick up Dells.”

  “Perfect.”

  All of it is… this day, Rafe, our love. It’s our own brand of crazy perfection, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

  17. Rafe

  “Everybody happy last night?” Ford asks as soon as I pick up the phone.

  “Everybody but me.” I don’t feel like dealing with his bullshit right now. I just dropped off Eleanor after getting my ink on her and I’m on my way to pick up Della. If I have to go do any of his bitch work I may lose it.

  “We good with Vega?”

  “Yup.”

  “You’re not very talkative this evening, Rafe. Somethin’ on your mind?”

  “I’m not doin’ this with you, Ford. We don’t make small talk. Do you need somethin’ or not?”

  “Just checkin’ on things. I’ll be in touch soon.”

  The line goes dead as I pull up in the drive. Finn and Maggie’s house is just as familiar to me as Claire’s. They live just down the street from her, and growing up, I spent many nights here with Thomas and Declan. As soon as I shut off my engine, Will, one half of Finn’s other set of twins, throws open the door.

  “Hey Will,” I call, but just get a chin lift in return. At sixteen, I guess he’s too cool to speak. “Where’s Charles?” His twin is usually not far behind.

  “We all went to Mamma C’s for dinner. I came home to study, but everyone else stayed.”

  I shoot him a pointed look. “You came home to study?” I know better. He grins and shakes his head, letting me know that my suspicions were right. “What’s her name?”

  A sly grin takes over his otherwise serious face. “It’s not just one, Rafe.”

  “You better not let your momma hear you talkin’ like that. She’ll have your ass.”

  “I gotta keep my options open.”

  “I’ll let you get back to your options. I’m going to Claire’s.”

  “Later, Rafe.” His face is back in his phone screen before he even gets the door shut.

  I take off down the street, anxious to get back to my sister. I know she was in good hands, but I missed her. Without bothering to knock, I walk in the house. You usually can’t hear yourself think in this place, but it’s relatively quiet. Maggie and Finn’s heads can be seen over the back of the couch, but I don’t see Della or Claire anywhere. When I come around to the front, though, I can see my sister’s sleeping form. She’s curled into Maggie’s chest, her feet resting in Finn’s lap. Maggie’s hand is brushing through her dark hair.

  “She okay?” I ask, my heart lodging in my throat at the prospect of her having one of her episodes.

  “She’s great, Rafe,” Maggie answers. “Just a long day. We wore her out.”

  My heart settles back down in my chest. “Where is everyone?”

  “Mom and Charles are doing the dishes, Will claims he had to study, and everyone else took off.”

  I laugh. “I just talked to Will. The only thing your son’s studying is his option of available women at school.”

  Maggie’s face gets red as she turns to face her husband. “This is all you, Finnian O’Leary. Do something about your child.”

  Finn’s attempts to hold back a grin aren’t very successful. “He’s a teenager. He’s just having a bit of fun. It’s fine, Magpie.”

  “Don’t you try to placate me with your little nickname, Finn.” Each of her words is punctuated with a jab of her finger to his chest. “Fix this. You want him to follow in your footsteps? He might not find a fabulous woman like you did to straighten his ass out.”

  I can’t help the chuckle that escapes. The two never stop. But, I’ve also never seen two people more in love. “Here, Maggie, let me get Della from you.” She’s starting to stir.

  “I’ll carry her to the car for you.” She looks at her husband, her voice going from warm to frigid in an instant. “Go get her stuff from the house and talk to your son.”

  “Christ, woman,” he mutters, but makes sure to kiss her before getting off the couch.

  “Let me take her, Maggie.” I pull Della from her, and we walk out to my Explorer.

  “How did things go with Eleanor?” She’s got a knowing gleam in her eyes. I think it’s safe to say that her older set of twins told her a few things about my situation.

  “Tommy and Dec fill you in?”

  She pats my arm and nods, but doesn’t say anything else.

  “It started out rocky, but couldn’t have ended any better.”

  Ever the romantic, her eyes grow wet. “I’m happy for you. You deserve to be happy.”

  “I don’t know about that, but I am.”

  “Bring her Wednesday night for family dinner. Everyone will be here. And I do mean everyone. Miller, Andi, and the kids are coming in from Fairhope. I think Cappy might even be coming with them.”

  It’s rare that Miller, his wife, his father-in-law, and all their kids come to Baton Rouge for a visit. Add them in to the already huge family, and we barely can all fit in Claire’s house. Eleanor won’t know what’s hit her.

  “Trial by fire?”

  “If she’s going to be a part of the family, she’ll have to meet us all eventually. Best to do it now and get it over with. You know, rip off the Band-Aid.”

  “I guess that’s one way to put it.”

  “I want to meet this girl.”

  “I’ll see what I can do.”

  As I drive back home, I let Maggie’s words float around my head, wreaking havoc on my insides, but only in the best of ways.

  If she’s going to be part of this family…

  Fuck, but there’s nothing I want more.

  ___

  “Looks like someone’s having a party,” Eleanor mutters from the passenger seat. Her big, dark eyes take in the cars lining both sides of the street as we pull up for dinner at Claire’s.

  “This is just Wednesday dinner.”

  “Are you serious?” she shrieks. “I thought you said we were going to have dinner with Claire!”

  “We are,” I tell h
er, smiling. “Dinner with Claire and Ava. And Lucy and Bennett and their four kids. Maggie and Finn are here with their brood. Oh, and Miller and Andi are in from Fairhope with theirs. Maggie mentioned that Cappy might be coming, too.”

  “I’m gonna be sick.” Her brown eyes are as wide as they can get, her chest is rising up and down crazy fast, and she’s clutching her stomach like she may make good on her offer.

  “You’ll be fine,” I tell her, giving her thigh a squeeze. “Just think of it like a typical day in your classroom, but with big people. Most of the time they act like children anyway, especially the men.”

  “Can they wear nametags?”

  “Della will help you keep everyone straight. Right Dells?” I turn and look at my little sister in the back seat. She’s got a huge grin on her face. She’s eating this up.

  As soon as Eleanor gets out of the car, Della is at her side and clutching her hand. I wrap my arm around Eleanor’s shoulders, and we walk up the sidewalk to the front door.

  “They’re gonna love you. How could they not?” Just as my lips brush the side of her mouth, Claire opens the door. Della throws herself against Claire, I pull Eleanor in tighter, and Claire’s tears start flowing.

  “Look at me. I’m sorry,” she says, wiping at her face. This is probably not the reaction Eleanor was picturing, but I wouldn’t expect anything less from Claire. “I’m Claire. It’s so nice to meet you,” she tells her, wiping under her eyes. Eleanor sticks her hand out, but Claire pulls her in for a hug.

  “Oh,” Eleanor says as Claire wraps her in her arms, surprised by the gesture.

  Claire eases back, holding Eleanor at arm’s length, taking her in, from her little blue dress to her sky high heels. She looks back and forth between the two of us, then back to Dells, who’s currently wrapped around her legs, and the tears start up again.

  “Come on, Mamma C,” I tell her, tugging on her hand and leading her inside. “Let’s get inside so you can introduce Eleanor to everyone. It’ll take her all night just to learn their names.”

  “She’s beautiful,” Claire whispers to me. “Absolute perfection.”

  “Just like I told you.”

  We step over the threshold, and it’s a madhouse. Raucous laughter is bouncing off the walls, kids are running around everywhere, a football just whizzed through the living room, and music is coming from upstairs. Eleanor looks like a deer caught in headlights. If I had to guess, dinner at the Benson household never looked or sounded like this. Judge Benson would have a coronary if his house was in this sort of state.

  “Breathe, baby,” I whisper in her ear. No one has noticed us yet, so I lead her straight out the back door and get her settled on the patio.

  “Wow,” is all she can manage to say.

  “Yeah. It’s pretty overwhelming the first few times.”

  She turns and looks through the glass door, her eyes passing over all the action. “We’re being rude. Shouldn’t we be in there?”

  “Nah. They’ll see Della and realize we’re here. Everyone will come out here and make introductions before we eat.”

  “You’re so lucky,” she whispers, her eyes soft.

  “How do you figure?”

  “Look at that,” she says, tilting her head toward the insanity happening inside. “These people welcomed you into their family time and time again, no questions asked. None of them ever judged you or expected you to change. They made you one of them. That’s pretty amazing.”

  She lets out a deep breath, and I know that she’s thinking about her own asshole parents… her father that cared more about his career than his daughter and wife, and a mother who didn’t care enough to stick around.

  “Come here,” I tell her, opening my arms and pulling her to my chest. “You have Gigi. And you have me and Della. And now, whether you want them or not, you have all of these crazies.”

  She laughs, sinking further into my body. Before she can get too settled, the door opens and in groups of twos and threes, members of my makeshift family start filing out, armed with introductions and hugs, making Eleanor Benson feel like a welcome member of the clan.

  “How did this turn into bash Rafe night?” I ask. Not that Eleanor doesn’t know everything about me, even more so than anyone sitting in this kitchen, but still.

  “Please. She needs to know what she’s getting herself into,” Miller tells me, then turns to Eleanor. “He may seem like he’s got his shit together, but I can promise you, that wasn’t always the case.”

  “Miller,” Andi says, slapping her husband’s shoulder. “You’re one to talk. You were a blubbering mess when we met, thanks to Lucy. Thank God I sorted you out.”

  Maggie’s laughter rings out. “My sister can’t help it that she’s so irresistible, and all the men used to just fall at her feet.”

  “Oh, God,” Lucy grumbles, dropping her face in her hands. Redness can be seen blossoming by the roots of her blonde hair. Bennett chuckles by her side and kisses her shoulder.

  “Do we really have to relive the Uncle Miller and Dad drama,” Rose, Lucy and Bennett’s oldest daughter says, rolling her eyes.

  Eleanor’s eyes are darting back and forth between everyone seated around the kitchen table, the island, and the other table that Claire has set up to accommodate the extra guests. I can tell that questions are burning, but she doesn’t want to seem rude by asking them. This family is a hot mess. Everyone is happily married and settled now, but it was hell getting to this point, from what I’ve heard.

  “So here’s the short version,” Maggie says, looking toward Eleanor. We’ve all heard various versions of the story more times than we care to. “Miller was in love with Lucy, had been his entire life, but Bennett came along and swept Lucy off her feet. Bennett had to beat Miller’s ass a few times to keep him in check. Miller ran off to Fairhope to lick his wounds, met Andi and fell in love. Everyone got married, had lots of kids, end of story.”

  “Got it,” Eleanor says with a curt nod, looking surprised by Maggie’s abruptness, but it’s nothing to any of us at this table. We’re all quite used to it.

  “And now look at us,” Bennett says to Miller. “Nothin’ but love for each other. All it took was me kickin’ your ass a few times, Ashby.”

  “I’m glad I came into this family with no drama,” Finn says, which earns him dirty looks from everyone.

  “Oh, none at all. You just got Maggie knocked up when you knew her for like a week. You deserved your fair share of ass beatings, O’Leary.” Miller’s words sound harsh, but he’s got a gleam in his eyes that says otherwise.

  “Little ears, boys,” Claire says, tilting her head toward my sister.

  “Don’t repeat that, Della,” he tells her with a wink.

  “Enough reminiscing. You’re all probably scaring this poor girl.” Claire looks to Eleanor. “We’re really not that bad. I don’t know why they feel the need to air all our dirty laundry. You probably think me and my Thomas raised a bunch of heathens.”

  Eleanor hits Claire with one of her mega-watt smiles. “Not at all.”

  “Who’s helping with dishes?” Claire asks, knowing that her question will clear the table in record time. Eleanor stays behind and I linger in the doorway.

  “Let me help,” Eleanor volunteers.

  “Nonsense, dear. You’re a guest. Why don’t you join the others outside and finish your wine.”

  Eleanor walks further into the kitchen and grabs a dishrag. “I want to help. I wanted a minute alone to talk to you.”

  “Okay.” Claire looks at me. “Shoo. Grab another beer and go outside.”

  18. Eleanor

  Rafe gets a beer from the fridge and gives me a tiny kiss. It’s barely a touch of his lips on mine, but I feel it down to the tips of my toes. When he passes through the doorway I turn back to Claire. She’s tearing up again.

  “Sorry,” she says. “I can’t help it. He looks so happy- both he and Della.”

  “I’d like to think they both are.” I busy myself wit
h the dishes. It’s hard to have a conversation like this with someone I just met, so having something to occupy my hands helps. “I wanted to thank you, Claire.”

  “Thank me? I should be the one thanking you.”

  “I don’t know how much you know about our history. I met Rafe the first day he came to live with you.” I can tell by the sharp intake of breath that this is news to her. “He was so lost, broken, and sad. I pushed and pushed until he had no choice but to become my friend. We stayed friends, well, more than friends, until he was taken from me. He rarely spoke of his life with his mom, but I knew about you.” I sneak a glance at her, and she’s full-on crying now. “You saved his life, Claire, over and over again. Each time you took him in, you kept him alive. Thank you.”

  She’s got me in her arms, the force of her heavy sobs shaking my body. “I might have saved him back then, but you’re saving him now.” She pulls away from me and wipes under her eyes. “I saw him slipping again, Eleanor, going down a path that he didn’t need to be on. You bring a goodness and a purpose to his life. I don’t know what’s going on with him, but I know that you can help him.”

  “It’s complicated,” I whisper. Her mother’s intuition is spot-on. He’s on a slippery slope, a dangerous one. She may not know about the drugs and the informing, but she knows things are not good. If she knew what was really going on, it would kill her.

  “Do what you can to save my boy.”

  “I’m trying. I’ll do anything I can to save him.”

  Della runs into the kitchen, tugging at my hand. Her other hand is pointing at the chocolate cake sitting on the counter. I guess my conversation with Claire is over. It’s time for chocolate cake.

  “They all loved you.” Rafe’s got one arm draped on the steering wheel, the other draped across my shoulder. “I hope they didn’t scare you off.”